Memorial Day – To Honor, Respect and Remember

Memorial Day is a day set aside to commemorate the ultimate sacrifice made by our soldiers and their families who kept our country free and safe, home and abroad. I served in the US Army. Soldiers today and in the past sacrifice much to protect our way of life, some gave the ultimate sacrifice.

Although this holiday is to commemorate those who gave their lives, I ask you to remember those who have served in all capacities. They spend time away from their families. They serve here and far away. They can live in the harshest conditions with threats to their lives at every moment. Then there are those hurry up and wait times. Some soldiers have seen things that people were never meant to see. If they don’t come back home, their sacrifice is to be respected and their families comforted and supported. If they do come back, their sacrifice is to be respected and they need our support. Sometimes soldiers have a tough time integrating back into their homes. They might suffer nightmares. They might be just fine.

The poem below reminds us what a soldier fights for and what we should be thankful for. I have sometimes gotten into debates about fighting and war. I know that pacifists want peace always, and I do too. But without a strong force to protect our way of life, then someone will take it from us.

It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protestor to burn the flag.
- Father Dennis Edward O’Brian, USMC (Also attributed to Charles Province)

A Question of Prosperity

I have quipped in the past that I am the richest man in the world – now all I need is money. Most people measure prosperity as monetary wealth or possessions. Money can be important for survival  and to live the life you want. I am not sure it is the end all. A person’s self-worth and attitude go a long way in determining their contentment. People say they want to be rich (with money) and yet many of the rich seem to be troubled with many of the same things as the not so rich. They can face loneliness, doubt, health problems and other adversities that money cannot cure. Money can buy you a companion, but not a real friend. Money can buy you the best of health care and the newest medical technology but cannot stave off the ravages of cancer and death.

Prosperity can desensitize us to the difficulties of others. Many of the poor in our country still get enough to eat, have a TV in their home, and have access to medical care, while 40% of the world’s population seems to subsist on less than $2 per day.  Paul Sweeney (Author of Ireland’s Economic Success: Reasons and Lessons) made this observation, “How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?” We want everything now. Sometimes we aren’t willing to wait or work for what we want. But even still, we are extremely fortunate to live in a country so richly blessed with abundance.

Sometimes we covet the riches of others. We do not always realize what people went through to get where they are today. Many of our greatest people started out with empty pockets and difficult situations. Yes, some of them seem to have been handed the “golden ticket” but most worked hard for what they have. They have built companies, written books, used their talents to create wonderful careers. We should all work to propel our talents to their fullest potential.

Mother Teresa was quoted as saying, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  This is why I stress the importance of reminding ourselves of the blessings that surround us. Think about those who love you. Think about all that you have instead of what you do not have. Measure your prosperity not only by the balance of your checking account but by the love and blessings in your life.

I am a follower of Christ, a father, a brother, a son, a husband, a lover, a friend, a hard worker, a passionate learner, a pet owner, a writer, a mentor, a student, etc., etc. I have my faults, my scars, my mistakes and have learned much from each. I have much to be thankful for and I am sure you do too. So, are you rich with what really matters? I hope so.

The Languages of Love

Tonight at the dinner table, after we had enjoyed our meal, we each took The 5 Love Languages ® Quiz. The quiz was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman after decades of experience as a marriage counselor. I had taken the quiz about 3 years ago. My scored changed just a little. I think that this quiz should be taken every 2 or 3 years because our needs can differ from one period to the next as we move through the changes in life. You can find quizzes geared for couples, singles and even children.

• Words of Affirmation – This includes words of recognition, affection and appreciation. Insults can be very damaging and hurtful.
• Quality Time – Giving your full, undivided attention counts for a lot, making your loved one feel special and loved. Failure to listen can be hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts – A thoughtful gift can show that you are cared for and loved. A thoughtless gift can hurtful.
• Acts of Service – Things done for you to ease your burden can be seen as an act of love and deeply appreciated. Making more work for you can be exasperating.
• Physical Touch – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a hand on the shoulder are all elements of physical touch. This language is not restricted to bedroom partners. Non-sexual touch is greatly appreciated by someone who speaks this language as well. Neglect can be destructive.

When you take the quiz, you learn your primary and secondary languages. Even though we can be shown love from all the languages, there are some more important to us than others.

These languages can be mixed for a one-two punch. A person who needs both Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts can feel wonderful when they receive a gift that memorializes an achievement. A hand on the shoulder or a hug coupled with a recognition of achievement can accomplish both Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

My primary language is Physical Touch and my secondary is Quality Time. It is good to recognize and reflect on your own results. For instance, some of my fondest memories is when I was very young, I would curl up on my mother’s lap while she would caress my scalp and back. I really felt loved. I felt safe. Now, I know that I feel most complete when I am in close physical connection with the one I love.

It is great to know the results of the ones you love. Ask them to take the test. It will help you to understand what is most meaningful to your loved one. You might buy them lots of little gifts but what they want most is your time. Dr. Chapman found, for whatever reason, that we are often drawn to those who speak a different language than our own.

I think that it is important to realize that we change. So what a person might appreciate the most now, might not be the most important act later. A person may have self-esteem issues, so they need to hear words of affirmation. After a period of time, a few successes and accomplishments, their need for words of affirmation diminish. They now may appreciate acts of service more than compliments.

Visit the 5 Love Languages site at www.5lovelanguages.com

For a fuller explanation and a wonderful resource, buy or borrow a copy of Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts

I encourage you and your loved ones to take the quiz by clicking the link below to go directly to the assessments page
Love Languages Personal Profiles

Share your results with your loved ones and encourage them to share their results with you. That will help you to understand how to best respond to their needs and let them know what makes you feel the most loved. This is a win-win for everyone. Happy loving.

I Am a Gift

Eleanor Powell once said, “What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.” I believe we are gifts to each other. Every day I thank God for the wonderful gifts of my sons, Theresa, and all those I have loved in my life. Even though some of those people have moved on, such as my children’s mother, the love for her still remains. The love – their gift – of my parents, now departed, will live on in my heart of hearts.

Sometimes, we just have to change the way we think to inspire ourselves to move forward or do the things that we need to do. I am no stranger to failure when it comes to self-control. I do try. I really do. I am reminded by Oscar Wilde’s quote, “I can resist anything but temptation.” I am trying to lose weight, just like millions of other people. I am tempted by all the delicious snacks that world.

Because the people that are important to me in my life are gifts to me, I would hope that I am a gift to them. As I would not want to give them something that I am not proud of, I want to improve my health for them as well as myself. Because I am a gift, it creates both a selfish and unselfish motivation for me to take care of myself. Better health might prolong my life,giving me more days to enjoy the company of others. Better health means that I might be around to bring joy to my loved ones for a longer period of time. My goal is to lose weight and exercise. A goal that is as much for them as it is for me.

Now that I have a better understanding of the impact of my goal, I hope that it will inspire me to be more disciplined. Since the expectation has increased, I suppose the that failure would feel that much more intense. If I do fail, then I will just try again. If you stumble and fall, as we all do, I hope that you find the courage to stand up, brush yourself off and try again.

No matter how old or young you are, time is short. My first 50 years have passed and I am amazed at how quickly it went. Even if I live another 50 years, it still seems short. I want to take advantage of this gift called life. I want to live it to the best of my ability. I want to share it with as many as care to walk the path with me. Each day that I am given is a gift from God, so that I can be a gift in return.

I am a gift. You are a gift. You have a much greater impact than you imagine. Even though you are not perfect, and neither am I, I am glad you are in the world. Let us be gifts to God, to those we love and to one another.

Always Wanting

I had heard this poem read on the radio. I searched for it on the internet and found it. I was very surprised that it was written by a 14 year old and published by Dear Abby in 1989. It seems to be wisdom much beyond that of a 14 year old. He must have been a keen observer of those around him. The poem is called Present Tense by Jason Lehman.

It was spring, but it was summer I wanted,
The warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
The colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.
It was fall, but it was winter I wanted,
The beautiful snow, and the joy of the holiday season.
It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
The warmth and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
The freedom and respect.
I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
To be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
The youth and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle-age I wanted,
The presence of mind without limitations.
My life was over, and I never got what I wanted.

   When we fail to appreciate what we have and focus only on what we don’t have or what we want, we miss out on the love and blessings that we already have. Ambition is not bad, we need the ambition to improve our circumstances but not at the cost of losing sight of where we are and what we have now. It is good to want to improve ourselves. It is good to want to improve our situation, but not at the expense of relationships that deserve our attention. To work so hard for a career that we neglect our family, we miss out on times that can never be recovered.

There are things we should always want. We should always want to be closer to the ones who love us. We should always want to be closer to God. We should always want to grow ourselves and seek our potential. We should always want to be thankful for what we have. We want to be loved, respected, cherished, and appreciated, and we need to give those very things to others. Before we can get what we want next, we must appreciate where we are now. Being in the now is what gives us the direction we need, the steps that we need to take.   When you plan any journey, you must not only know the destination, but you must know the starting point.

By nature, we are never satisfied with what we have. We quickly become bored or restless and look for the next thrill or the next challenge to conquer. Contentment is a learned skill. If you don’t appreciate where you are, you might end up like our subject in the poem, never getting what they wanted and never realizing what they had when they had it. Like the old saying goes, you never know what you have until it is gone.

Even when we are faced with challenges, and we all are, we must not forget that blessings we have and the strength that we have, especially when multiplied with the strength of God and others. You were never meant to do it all alone. Connect with the ones you love. Connect with life. Remind yourself of what is ultimately important. Riches are nice, fame is fleeting, but it is the relationships we build that are important. And most importantly, connect with yourself. And, as always, I want the best for you.

Open Doors

After writing about tarrying a bit in my last blog, my body had succumbed to a viral infection that affected my sinus and upper respiratory system. After long days and short nights or at least restless nights, my immune system weakened and opened the door for the virus.  The virus took advantage of the opportunity presented to it. Apparently, I needed to tarry a bit, rest and get better. I did, I did and I did.

There is an old adage that says that when God closes one door, He always opens another. I have no doubt of the truth in that but not all doors are opened by God. Some opportunities arise on their own and it is up to us to be led to and choose the right door. We should look for opportunities and take advantage of those that are good for us. But, just like in all things, we must examine what is right and good for us. Just because we have an opportunity, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is good for us to take it.

Someone close to me, who had been out of work for a while, had an opportunity for a job and accepted. She was quite excited but soon felt that the work didn’t seem “kosher.” Although it wasn’t illegal, it went against her sensibilities. This fact nagged at her. I first recommended cautious acceptance, at least until she could learn more about the job. She may have just misunderstood the concept. She later decided that the job did not “fit.” She was uncomfortable with it. It didn’t last long anyway. Although the door was open, it was not the right door nor the right choice. Even if the job did work out, she felt very uneasy about it and I would have recommended that she look for something else.

Sometimes doors are open and we don’t even realize it. Many people wish they had a ministry or wish they knew what their purpose was. Maybe you are right where you need to be. You have an opportunity to be a fine example of whatever is being asked of you. Usually attributed to Francis of Assissi, “Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.” The door is always open for us to be a good example and to be uplifting. Even if you are waiting for an open door, use the opening you have right now to be the best person you can be, regardless of your stance on religion or spirituality. And even if you aren’t where you want to be, maybe you need to be here to get there.

Meditate on your circumstances to decide if you have chosen the right door and ask for guidance to choose the next door that opens. You never know what might be on the other side, but you can still attempt to make the most prudent decision possible. It is good to seek counsel, because our decisions, even when they seem objective, are still based on our own accumulation of experiences and knowledge. Seek wisdom from others, not because they are right but will test their opinions against their own experiences which may give you further insight.

I hope that you will always find open doors and that they will lead you to your full potential. So when God knocks on the door of your heart, it is your turn to open the door and say “Welcome. I know you are here, always were and always will be.”

Tarry a bit

Yogi Berra stated, “when you come to the fork in the road, take it.” This is sage advice. It does not tell you which way to go but that you should go forward.

Times in our fast paced life can easily be tumultuous. We are sometimes so busy with the little things in our life that we forget to live, and we can unintentionally neglect what is important. We can also be so busy making a living that we forget to live. There was a time when I worked a full time job and two part time jobs to support my family. I know I did the right thing but I also missed out on quality time with my two young sons. This is time I can never get back. Kids grow up so fast!

In Proverbs 46:10a it says, “be still and know that I am God.” Sometimes, when we are faced with too many stresses, opportunities or paths that we are overwhelmed, we are paralyzed by fear or uncertainty. We might even be fortunate enough to have too many blessings to choose from. There are times when we should stop, tarry a bit, and seek the will of God in our life.

We have to balance our responsibilities with the people and things that are important to us.  This isn’t always easy.. We have tough choices to make. To make these decisions, we must take our time, seek counsel, and pray for direction. What is it that will lead us to our potential? How can we use the natural talents that we have to bring many others and ourselves joy. Our talents were meant to be shared.

So, when you come to that fork in the road, take it, but tarry first for a bit and choose the path that is best for you. God bless.

Patterns

All around us are patterns. Patterns appear everywhere, even when they don’t. We are pattern creatures. Our brains are designed to look for patterns. Our brains examine and recognize thousands of faces. We see patterns in nature: in petals of flowers; sections of leaves; and in the structure of a snowflake. Our bent for patterns even allows us to see patterns where none exist. In the chaotic drifting of clouds, we often amuse ourselves picking out recognizable patterns.

We often find comfort in regular patterns in our lives, even when those patterns produce negative circumstances. We are sometimes afraid to move away from known circumstances that are unhealthy because we cannot be sure what change will bring, even when change might be positive. When we notice patterns in our lives where people care about us and build us up, where people show us that we are supported and loved, we feel more comfortable in changing our circumstances for the better. That is why we need to see and feel patterns that convince us that there are better alternatives. Negative patterns can be broken. When we recognize things are better, we need to be appreciative and thankful.

We need to recognize those patterns not only in our own lives but in the lives of those around us. It is so frustrating to try to help someone who seemingly does not want to be helped. It might be they are too fearful to attempt change. It might be they are too wrapped up in their negative pattern to see a way out. It might even be that they do not want to be helped. Early on, like many, I had to learn that you cannot change anyone, they must change themselves. I also had to learn that I did not always know what is best for them because of the limitations of my own experience. Because of those lessons, I had to learn that there are many that I am not able to help, that I might not be the one placed in their lives to lift them up. But, I just might be the seed that allows them to accept the one person who can.

When positive patterns  that we are comfortable with change, it can be disconcerting. When time set aside for sharing seems to end or slip away, it can leave one  to wonder why the pattern changed. What changed? Can we recapture it or make it better? Does it mark a time for growth or alert us to a problem that needs attention? Is it our time to move on?

Opposites or contrast can help us appreciate patterns. The Bible is filled with contrast: choose this not that; do this not that; wise vs. foolish; good vs. bad; positive vs. negative. Even our tastes are defined by contrast. We expect cookies to be sweet because the pattern has been that all the cookies we eat are sweet. We know sweet because we have tasted sour or bitter. We were trained by the patterns of our experience.

Habits are like patterns. They repeat and establish an expectation. I encourage us all to look for the blessings in life and be thankful for the gifts that abound whether it be God, nature or human endeavor. Your daily actions establish the pattern of who you are. Let that pattern be a positive one.

Beyond Understanding

Last weekend, I attended a memorial service for a 7-year-old girl who lost her battle against cancer.  I will say right away that I do not understand why children have cancer or other dreadful maladies that take these precious souls away from us. I cannot imagine the loss to her family. Such an event cannot possibly leave a family unchanged.

As much as we do not like it, we can accept the cycle of life when someone dies at an advanced age, but to die so young seems so unreasonable. We know that people of every age die at the hands of accidents, negligence and the “free will” choices of others, but many medical maladies seem so far out of our control. Maybe someday we will find the answer that unlocks the secret to cancer and stop its runaway growth. I certainly hope so.

The pastor said that there is no explanation or reason that might comfort the family. I dug around my own thoughts looking for a reason. I thought about the fall of man at the beginning but even that didn’t satisfy my hunger for something understandable.

More than 30 years ago, Gary Mervis founded Camp Good Days and Special Times for his daughter, Teddi Mervis and 62 other children with cancer from Upstate New York. I am not directly familiar with this organization but I can easily imagine that this group not only brings fun and confidence to the kids but celebrates their undefeatable spirit. The founder not only poured out his love for his daughter and others like her, but allowed so many more to demonstrate their love as well.

In the newspaper after the memorial service was held, there was a comment about the little girl from her mother, I believe, that cancer was just a word. I can believe that, since children do not tend to dwell on their problems but look for the next moment of magic.

Death, of course, is a part of life. For some, it is the end. For others, it is a new beginning to something greater – a mere transition from here to the hereafter. I am not sure that death is much of a barrier for God. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead after four days. (John 11) Jesus commanded his apostles to raise the dead. (Matt 8:10) Peter raised Tabitha from the dead. (Acts 9:36-43) Paul raised Eutychus from the dead (Acts 20:7-12). Jesus himself was resurrected and a resurrection was promised to all those who believe. For many of us, this is a comforting thought but those of us left behind miss our loved one’s presence. Their memories in our minds and hearts keep them alive for us here, even as they live on in paradise.

I cannot imagine the intense feeling of losing a child. I can only sympathize with those who have lost children for any reason. Early childhood passing was common one hundred fifty years ago, but in our modern world of medicine and sanitation, it defies my sensibilities. My thoughts and prayers not only go out to the family effected last weekend but to all those families suffering with cancer or other medical maladies.  I suppose that children living with and dying of cancer is simply beyond my understanding.

Bewildered Directions

   Over the last few weeks, we have been looking for a new home. Theresa and I want to be closer to family. We thought we had found the home we wanted but another made an offer that the owner accepted just two days before ours.

There have been many things in our lives that occurred in the last few months: Theresa had received full time employment; my job changed; Theresa’s father passed away; and we have decided to move. Our lives have experienced both positive and negative stressors.

Today, I learned that the seven year old daughter of a co-worker passed away from cancer. I cannot adequately find the words that can comfort such a loss, neither can I imagine the pain to lose someone so young. As faithful as I wish to be, this is one area where I have a problem with existence. No child should ever have cancer, but they do. Because they do, I can imagine the love and support that is poured out upon that child and their families. It gives people opportunities to care, to give and to love. But I still insist that no child should ever have cancer.

I was thinking about direction today. Each day, we have to choose where we will go and what we will do. We have to choose how we will react to the world around us. It isn’t always easy. We have to decide to stand still or move forward. But what direction is right? Where shall I go? I suppose the only way to go is forward after we carefully decide which way to turn.

Woodrow Wilson said, “We live in an age disturbed, confused, bewildered, afraid of its own forces, in search not merely of its road but even of its direction. There are many voices of counsel, but few voices of vision; there is much excitement and feverish activity, but little concert of thoughtful purpose. We are distressed by our own ungoverned, undirected energies and do many things, but nothing long. It is our duty to find ourselves.”  Woodrow Wilson left us in 1924. I am not sure when he said these words, but it shows that our looking for direction, purpose and a way to spend our energies, has been a persistent state.

With so many changes in our lives, both great and small, we must choose a direction. We must also ask for direction. If you believe in a greater force as I do, then you pray for God’s will. And even if you don’t, you should still seek out wise counsel from those that have vision.

May tomorrow bring you closer to your dreams. I think it’s that-a-way.